Leaving My Comfort Zone Behind - Why I Run

Why do I run?

I've had different answers over the years.

I used to run just to stay fit for other sports I was playing. Then I ran because I was living in places where I couldn't play those sports, so I needed to do SOMETHING. Then I ran because it was something my husband and I did together.

I actually got to a point where I called myself a "runner". It was a source of stress relief after a hard day. It was a way to push myself. I enjoyed getting faster. I enjoyed being fit. I even ran a marathon!

And then cancer pulled the rug out from under my running.

Chemotherapy, surgery, radiation. The side effects made me feel anything but healthy. Throughout my treatment, I counted it as a win if I made it onto the treadmill to even walk. My recovery found me moving from a slow walk to a faster walk to a walk/run to a slow run. But it made me tired. My body rebelled. It was fighting a physical fight while I fought my mental fight.

Now I'm almost two years out from my mastectomy, just over 1 year out from my initial reconstruction. I feel like the chemo has finally started to subside. The steroid bloat is going away. I'm not exhausted all the time anymore.

New challenges have appeared.......a knee that swells for no reason because of the muscle they removed from my leg for reconstruction, the challenge of finding a sports bra that doesn't rub on my scar, the discomfort from a numb chest as I run, the nagging doubt about my body's abilities.

Over the last two years, my comfort zone has shrunk for protection. I didn't want to think too far outside the lines in case it wasn't possible. In case the cancer came back. In case I couldn't get back what I lost. I didn't want to set my expectations too high.

But living in a comfort zone that doesn't let you dream about what else could be gets boring.

So yesterday I ran a 4 mile race, and my goal was to push myself. These days I usually run a mile in 11-12 minutes. Not fast by any stretch of the imagination, but moving.

Yesterday I set out with the pack. I started my Garmin, and then pulled my sleeve down over it so I wouldn't look at it. I turned off my music and put my headphones away. I wanted to see what I could do just listening to my body.

I set out fast with the people around me. I usually start too fast and then slow way down about a mile in. It's the classic mistake when you race.

But this time I found myself passing people, weaving through the pack, glancing at the younger, skinnier girls that were dropping to the side to walk. I kept going.

Breathe in for two steps, breathe out for two steps. Ignore the voice that says, "You're getting tired. You should slow down. You don't want to run out of your comfort zone."

That voice is pretty convincing, but this time I asked it, "Why? What happens if I don't?" Right now, my comfort zone is built around where I was, not where I want to be. Right now, my comfort zone is holding me back.

So I ignored the voice.

My lungs started working harder. I kept breathing with my steps. I became aware of my hip flexors, my calves. I thought about other things.

I got passed by a few people - including a man pushing a big-ass stroller and a corgi whose nails made a nice little tap-tap-tap-tap as his little furry butt happily bounced past me. But I found myself passing people one by one. It felt good.

I passed the four-mile mark and started the last mile to the finish feeling good. At this point, the mantra of "It's just a mile. Anyone can run a mile" came into my head. I forced myself to not slow down when the comfort voice came back into my head, "You're tired. You should slow down." No way.

At the last turn, my sweetie was there yelling, "If you hurry, you can still catch the corgi!". And I laughed out loud.

I crossed the finish line and looked at my watch. 41 minutes.....an average of 10:15 minute miles. and two of the four miles were recorded as 10:04 and 10:06. Not my fastest that I've ever run, but definitely the fastest that I've run in two years.



I'm calling it a PR (personal record) because I'm a new person now. I'm a new person who is pushing harder. I'm not content with what my body says it wants to do...I don't trust it anymore. It has had its way for over two years now, and I'm done with it.

I'm a new person who is looking for a new comfort zone. They say that if it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. And I'm looking for a change. That change may come in small steps with small decisions, but I will make it happen one step at a time.

We often feel like we are trapped by the world around us.
Circumstances dictate. Limitations abound. Others think.

But we are trapped by ourselves. We are trapped by our comfort zone. We are trapped by fear and doubt and what we know versus what might be.

The most beautiful things, the most inspiring actions, the most world-changing realizations don't happen in our comfort zone. They happen when we remember that we are alive and that there are amazing things around us that we have to work to experience.

I was reminded of that when I quieted that inner voice - the one that told me not to try. The one that told me I might get hurt and it was easier to go slower and stay in my comfort zone.

Running a 10 minute mile is not a big achievement in the grand scheme of things. But it reminded me how good it feels to push myself and exceed my own expectations. It reminded me that I don't have to listen to myself. There are other options.

Why do I run?

Because I do not want to be trapped by my comfort zone.

I run because I'm alive and I can.

Thanks, Eleanor

I spent a lot of time this week thinking about this quote. I've seen it before, but I've never really thought about it. OF COURSE you are in control of your own confidence, right? 

Over the last few months, I've been taking a class that encourages me to be more self-aware - aware of my triggers, aware of my reactions, aware of how I'm interacting with people around me, aware of how I am affecting my own feelings and behavior. We spent some time talking about this quote and how aggressive and submissive behaviors both come from a place of fear. Everyone is afraid of something - not spiders or heights or losing a loved one - but something deeper. Something that drives us.

It takes a little work to dig down through all the lies we tell ourselves to find what you're afraid of. As my class went through that work, we started getting real with each other and the fears started flowing - abandonment, isolation, being forgotten, being wrong, failing, being hurt, losing control, not living up to full potential. No one laughed. People nodded.

Two of the biggest fears in the group, though, were the fear of judgement and the fear of not being good enough. These are big. We can be hard on ourselves - often we are our own worst critic - but these fears are all about OTHER PEOPLE! They have nothing to do with how well we are doing, how strong we are, how good we feel, or how many challenges we are overcoming. We can totally be rocking our life and still fear what other people think.

And that's where the Eleanor Roosevelt quote comes in.

My teacher says that having fears isn't bad. Fear is part of being human. But we should work to be aware of our fears. Once we're aware of them we can decide if our actions are being dictated by them. And once we realize that it's our fears that are making us act a certain way, we can quiet them and move on. Easier said than done a lot of the time. But the more you practice this, the easier it becomes.

Take body image, for example. Poor body image is all about fear of judgement and fear of not being good enough. But these fears are all about OTHER PEOPLE!! We are afraid that other people will judge us and that we won't be good enough for them to.....what? Like us? Love us? Think we look good?

I would be lying if I said I didn't get caught up in feeling bad about myself sometimes. But Eleanor's quote has been helping lately. As long as I'm trying, I'm proud of myself. I can know that I have work to do without putting myself down or thinking that I'm not good enough. I am not inferior to anyone else just because I have a few extra pounds to lose or don't run quite as fast. 

To prove this to myself, I bought something this week that I never thought I'd buy - a running skirt. I'm now an Ambassador for Skirt Sports and, while I love their capris and tops, I was a little nervous about rocking one of their running skirts because I've always told myself that I don't like the way my legs look. 

Isn't that the silliest thing ever? My legs have carried me for almost 42 years. They've scored goals. They've climbed mountains. They've run a marathon. They've been cut open and stitched back together. And I don't like them??? Just writing it down makes me laugh.

So I bought a running skirt. And I love it. I ran in it today for the first time and I felt incredibly empowered. Sure it was comfortable and cool and didn't ride up while I ran. And it looks really cute. But mostly, I loved it because I was loving myself by wearing it.

So maybe people will judge me when I wear it. Maybe there are people who would look better in it. But that's ok. I'll keep working on not putting myself down. In fact, I know for certain there is a whole group of people out there that will be cheering me on in my running skirt....the people who love me for me and not for what my legs looks like.

Where did this new found confidence come from? Well, first it's come from finally getting my mind and my body back after my cancer fight and realizing that my body just went through hell and I should not only be nice to it, but LOVE it. Why should I let someone who doesn't even know what I've gone through judge me and make me feel bad? Come on....

But I've also gained a lot from just a few weeks as a Skirt Sports Ambassador. It's why I signed up to be an Ambassador before I even owned any of their clothes. I read about the #REALwomenmove initiative and it hooked me. The women in this group encourage each other regardless of age, shape, or fitness level. They celebrate each other and celebrate the feeling of empowerment that comes from moving....at any speed and in any way possible. 

So thanks, Eleanor, for your words of wisdom. I'll try my best to keep living up to them.

Keep Moving Forward

The last two years have been rough, so I'm glad as hell that 2018 is here. I'm ready to get going.

When you go through a traumatic life event (for example - breast cancer), you're always glad to come out the other side in any kind of state that is still moving. I've found myself saying a lot that "I'm ready to get back to my life". In my head I suppose this started out meaning that I was ready to get back to doing what I had been doing before my cancer diagnosis and subsequent trip through hell.

When I really think about it, though, I don't want to go back to that life. I've learned a lot since then, and grown as a person. So what I really should be saying is this - I'm ready to get on with my life. I can't forget what I've just gone though - I'm reminded every moment of every day - but I can use it to be stronger, more aware, and more joyful. So that's what I'm going to try to do.

Part of this initiative is to set some goals for myself. Recently I've joined an initiative called the #REALwomenmove Challenge by Skirt Sports. #REALwomenmove is about acceptance, challenge, and reaching our full potential. When I read about it, I thought, "This is me. This is what I need."

I've been beating myself up for as long as I can remember - not thin enough, not fit enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough. It's only gotten worse in the past two years as the one thing that has always kept me sane, my ability to move, was taken away from me. Even though the cancer wasn't my fault, I felt bad that I had "lost ground" in my grasping for perfection. Ridiculously, losing my hair and gaining weight overshadowed the fact that I kicked cancer's ass.

So #REALwomenmove is my way of moving on. It's about accepting where I am in my fitness and challenging myself to move forward despite my physical challenges. It's about accepting my body for all the strength that it holds and letting go of what others (and even myself) think I "should" look like. It's about using fitness and strength to help me define what I want my life to be. The "REAL" part also acknowledges that not everything is happy and full of cupcakes. REAL women have setbacks. REAL women get down. REAL women cry and swear and jump up and down. But REAL women keep moving. If you don't keep moving, you stay right in the middle of where you are and you never feel the exhilaration of succeeding or mastering or overcoming or discovering.

And I feel most alive when I am discovering new things about myself. I feel alive when I teach. I feel alive when I hike. I feel alive when I challenge my own assumptions. That's what it's all about, right? Discovering new ways to learn, laugh, and take in the beauty of the world around us.

Soooo.....as part of the #REALwomenmove Challenge, I'm supposed to pick a founding principle or mantra. Mine's pretty simple....it's kept me going for the last couple years:

I've worn an arrow around my neck to remind me of this mantra. Arrows only fly forward. If you pull them back, they fly farther.

So here are my my goals for the year:

1. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.
2. Be aware of when fear is taking over - it's ok if it does, but when you're aware of it, you can choose how you deal with it.
3. Learn to love your body. Don't be ashamed of it or angry at it. It's gotten you through a lot. Stop comparing!
4. Get back into a fitness routine - move at least 5x a week.
5. Read more. Less TV.
6. Learn how to change a tire on your bicycle.....then get riding!
7. Run a half marathon - Rock and Roll Denver
8. Lose 1 pound a month - eat well and move more to do this
9. Participate in at least 2 sprint triathlons - Outdoor Divas, Tri for the Cure
10. More quality time with husband - doing stuff, not TV time
11. Get outside more - soak in the sun, enjoy living in the mountains. Look at the mountains more!
12. Daily yoga practice to strengthen my core - get rid of that nagging back pain!
13. Start writing again - blog! (hey, good start, huh?)
14. Spend more time with people I love
15. Laugh more

Wow. So that turned into more goals that I thought. It seems I have a lot to do.

So intentions are fine. And it's one thing to say you're going to do something, but it's another thing all together to actually plan and commit to doing it. So applying SMART goals is one way to overcome this.....(and it's part of the Challenge) so here we go.

The goal: Daily yoga practice to strengthen my core and get rid of that nagging back pain.
This is important because my nagging back pain gets in the way of a lot of my other goals, and it's one I've been working into slowly over the last 3 weeks.
S (pecific) - I will practice at least 2 of the exercises I have learned to stretch and strengthen my back and strengthen my core.
M (easurable) - Put a star on the calendar for everyday I practice to show if I'm meeting my goals.
A (chievable) - Yes. 2 exercises is not a lot. I can do it.
R (ealistic) - Either in the morning or before going to bed. I can find the time.
T (imely) - Starting February 1. I've been doing these at least weekly for all of January, so moving to a daily practice in February is something I need to do.

Ok. So I'll let you know how this goes, but at least I'm committed to my yoga. Oh, and the Tri for the Cure. I've already paid for that one.

And now that I'm writing again, I feel better, too. Putting thoughts on paper. Sharing what's going on in my brain. Sharing is hard....especially when you're trying to pretend like you're perfect. So writing this blog is part of being kind to myself....cutting myself some slack.

I have to remind myself that I'm stronger than I think. Goals are part of that. Fitness is part of that. So is finding the strength to be real with myself. Real is strong. Real is beautiful.

Till next time....